Extracts from a secret unpublished copy of the great unwritten masterpiece.
(or "I know a good joke when I steal it")
It's like deja-vu only for the first time.
I've got a good memory, but it's short.
I don't believe in astrology, I'm a virgo and virgos don't believe in astrology.
I used to believe in reincarnation
- but that was during a previous lifetime.
I used to be agnostic - but now I'm not so sure.
I don't drink, smoke or swear - and I think three out of five is pretty good.
It's not an optical illusion - it just looks like one.
A little pain never hurt anybody.
Some men hear the drum of a different
beater.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those that
divide people into two kinds and those that don't.
Deep down he's shallow.
They say the two main problems in the world are ignorance and apathy, I don't know if that's true and frankly I don't care.
Two can live as cheap as one only it costs more.
As I get older I find that memory
is the second thing to go - I just wish I could remember what the first
thing was.
Sometimes I think you and I are the only two sane people
in the world and sometimes I wonder about you.
You don't get something for nothing unless you pay for it.
I've been pretty lucky in life - it must be all that clean living I used to do.
I'm going to live to be a hundred years old or die trying.
I may be schizophrenic, but at least
I'll always have each other.
If you're schizophrenic, you're never alone.
I hope I die in my sleep like my grandfather and not in horror like his passengers.
Why, if my grandfather were alive today, he'd be turning over in his grave.
Don't look back the lemmings are gaining on you.
If someone screams in cyberspace,
does anyone actually hear them?
Just because I'm paronoid, doesn't mean they're not really
out to get me!
Why can't I be different - just like everybody else.
I used to be a kleptomaniac - but now I'm taking something for it.
Nostolgia isn't what it used to be.
A verbal contract isn't worth the
paper it's written on.
Anyone that would see a psyhciatrist should have their
head examined.
If people are going to stay away in droves there's nothing we can do to stop them.
There comes a time in every mans' life and I've certainly had plenty of those.
In the long run, we're all dead.
That would be a good thing to know
if you ever wanted to know something like that.
If "pro" is the opposite of "con" is progress the opposite
of Congress? Is prostitution the opposite of constitution?
Only in America can you be in New York City one day and Los Angeles the next.
Censorship is the price you have to pay to live in a free society.
That's as phoney as a five dollar bill.
That's just another case of the
right hand not knowing what the right hand is doing.
Two rights don't make a wrong.
Movies are the nearest thing to reality.
I speak Esperanto like a native.
My favorite excuse for being late: I saw a UFO on the highway and I followed it until I ran out of gas.
I feel more like I do now then I
did a little while ago.
If I had wanted to go there, I certainly wouldn't start
from here.
No matter where you go - there you are.
I bought a tape of that new "Mission Impossible" movie, but it self destructed after only 30 seconds.
The older you get, the farther you walked to school as a boy.
Taxation WITH representation hasn't
been all that great either.
If God had wanted us to go around naked, we would have
been born that way.
They can take away my computer when they pry the cold, dead mouse from my hand.
The future won't last.
We ARE the people our parents warned us about.
Goldwater in 1964: In your guts
you know he's nuts.
It is better to forgive than to receive.
In God we trust - all others pay cash.
I had a vision of God last night - she's black.
Sign on a milk truck: "all we have we owe to udders".
Flush twice - it's a long way to
Washington.
Why is space a vacum? Because the world sucks.
The best place to be during a nuclear attack: anywhere where you can say "what was that?"
I was born at home so I could be near my mother.
I was born in the cellar and brought up.
A good joke doesn't have to be dirty
and a dirty joke doesn't have to be good.
Having children is hereditary, if your parents didn't
have any, you probably won't either.
He has a terminal condition that is sexually transmitted... - life.
I'll follow you to the ends of the earth - and then I'll push you off.
I'm alot like that Unibomber guy except I use my powers for good instead of evil...of course, so did he.
Out of chaos comes disorder.
This document fills a much needed gap.